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Ahoy there, ye swarthy Protestants!

Recently I was faced with a tough decision between two churches at which to play the organ. Really it wasn't so much of a decision as a concession to the lesser of two evils since both churches were of the Lutheran persuasion.

I am not really sure why I don't like Lutherans or, more accurately, why they don't like me but I am sure it has something to do with Mormons.

I mean, Bach was Lutheran, but that's really more intimidating than it is an incentive. If Catholics pray to Mary, then certainly it wouldn't be unheard of for Lutherans to pray to Bach, at least, in theory (terribly awful musical pun intended).

How should a recently confirmed Episcopalian be received by Lutherans, anyway? I know we have a "concordant," whatever that means, but part of me is worried that one of King Henry VIII's wives was Lutheran, or at least she liked Jello-salad.

World history has shown me that our fears exist out of ignorance. So, in a blitzkrieg effort of Lutheranization, the two pastors at the church where I now work have put me on a steady diet of worms.

They have also demanded that I translate the Book of Mormon into German. I had just started the first few chapters (I made significant progress after learning how to translate "behold" and "it shall come to pass") when I saw an apparition that looked like Joseph Smith. He was mocking Lutherans so I threw an ink bottle at him. He threw it back and it got all over the computer monitor. At this point, I wondered why I even had a bottle of ink since I had chosen to type Das Buch der letzten Tagesheiliger on the computer. And then it hit me:

Isn't that what Lutheranism is all about?

Labels: Mormonism