The Epiphany Season
Going to Kmart is always an adventure (last time, I saw Jesus parked there) because Kmart is weird and a prime location of social awkwardness.
I'm always tempted by their low prices (the Kmart near me seems to be perpetually going out of business) but repelled by the emptiness, bad lighting, and weird people.
Also, Target is just as close, and they have better design. I feel more anonymous at Target. Kmart has so few customers that I guess I'm given special treatment by those who think themselves part of the Kmart family.
And the Kmart family is made up of those annoying relatives that you're not even that related to.
Anyway, back to the matter at hand. As I get out of my parked car, I here a voice.
"Hey bud, your lights are on."
Now, as a way of explanation, let me say that my stylish '93 Ford Crown VicLand-Yacht has automatic headlights: they come on when it gets dark, and go off after a fixed amount of time after you get out of the car.
The timer is a safety/convenience feature. At summer camp, the full three minutes is useful after parking the car in the darkness and having to walk to the tents. So, I just leave it set at the maximum (three minutes) all the time. Plus it weirds people out.
But COME ON! My car is almost 13 years old. Was it the only model to do this? (If so, I might cling to it forever). Surely other automatic headlights have this feature, and surely people use it. So in the past decade, hasn't seeing someone get out of their car with the headlights still on become commonplace?
Apparently no. And the consensus seems to be that helping someone possibly avert a dead battery takes precedence over an assumption about an automatic headlight feature.
I can appreciate this. It's good to know that people are looking out for each other.
But, back to the matter at hand, "hey bud?" I think not. Since when have I been your "bud?" What a crude greeting.
And it doesn't stop there:
SALUTATION: Hey bud
DECLARATIVE: your lights are on
Granted, my automotive vocabulary allows me to contextualize the statement "your lights are on" and interpret it as concern for my vehicular health.
But that didn't stop me from thinking about returning with: "Hey bud, your lights are off."
I would much prefer Hoosier Harry to have said, "Pardon me, do you know that your lights are on?"
SALUTATION: Pardon me
INTERROGATIVE: Do you know that your lights are on?
Maybe I've thought about this too much. I've certainly written too much about it.
Then as I walked to the entrance of Kmart proper, my approach was heralded with the incessant ringing of a shrill, piercing bell. A costumed militant was collecting money.
A costumed militant was collecting money
As a poor student, I've been trained to look out for people who want my money (other students, cashiers, girlfriends) and avoid them when possible.
I tried the making-eye-contact-so-he-knows-I-see-him-and-doesn't-have-to-get-my-attention approach. This method is tried and true. I have a powerful gaze and can let people know that I am not interested in their collection scheme, free credit card, or flyer that I will immediately throw away with a direct, powerful stare.
"Hi," he said.
I was crestfallen. Now, I could barely hear him over the bell, but I thought his greeting was really offensive.
How can I not know he's there? That bell -- I'm telling you -- it was seriously loud. And he's standing right by the entrance. What am I going to do, go in the exit?
We're not friends, so the only reason you have to say "hi" to me is to alert me to your presence. This is unnecessary.
"Donations are going to be down because of the hurricanes," I thought about saying, but I don't think he would have heard me. Or cared.
"Ring bell, get money, ring bell, get money," he was probably thinking.
Not to mention that the bell was seriously loud. He's ringing it outside, but right under the overhang of the building, so all that sound is just reflected right down at him. Hearing damage would start right away with a job like that. Not fun.
He didn't really need my money. If I had really been on top of things, I would have given him a small bag on my way back to my car (my headlights have since turned themselves off).
"Hey bud, try some ear plugs."
I mean, it's Kmart. How long can you spend in there? If you can stay inside of a Kmart long enough to kill your car battery, you're a weirder person than I am. Maybe that's the real issue here.
The page you're reading is part of Sinden.org
©MMXVII Sinden.org: a site for fun and prophet
Looking for Carol Spreadsheets?
Hungry? Try the Liturgical Guide to Altoids Consumption
Thirsty? Try the Tibia Liquida
The Eric Harding Thiman Fan Page: The greatest composer you've never even heard of.
Questions? Problems? email the sexton.
Alex Ross: The Rest is Noise
Book of Common Prayer
The Daily Office
The Lectionary Page
Ship of Fools
The Sub-Dean's Stall
Vested Interest - Trinity Church in the City of Boston
Andrew Kotylo - Concert Organist
Bonnie Whiting, percussion
conjectural navel gazing: jesus in lint form
Friday Night Organ Pump
Halbert Gober Organs, Inc.
in time of daffodils
Joby Bell, organist
Musings of a Synesthete
My Life as Style, Condition, Commodity.
Nathan Medley, Countertenor
Notes on Music & Liturgy
The Parker Quartet
Roof Crashers & Hem Grabbers
That Which We Have Heard & Known
This Side of Lost
Zachary Wadsworth | composer
Advent (Medfield MA)
All Saints, Ashmont (Boston MA)
All Saints (Indianapolis IN)
Atonement (Bronx NY)
Broadway UMC (Indianapolis IN)
Cathedral of All Saints (Albany NY)
Christ Church (Bronxville NY)
Christ Church (Madison IN)
Christ Church (New Haven CT)
Christ Church Cathedral (Indianapolis IN)
Christ's Church (Rye NY)
Church of St. Stephen (Hamden CT)
Congregational (Belmont CA)
Coventry Cathedral (UK)
First UMC (Lancaster SC)
Gloria Dei ELCA (Iowa City IA)
Immanuel Lutheran (St Paul MN)
Immanuel Lutheran (Webster NY)
John Knox PCUSA (Houston TX)
St Andrew (Marblehead MA)
St Andrew's, Oregon Hill (Richmond VA)
St Bartholomew the Great, (London, England)
St James's (Lake Delaware NY)
St James's (Richmond VA)
St James Cathedral (Chicago IL)
St Mary's Cathedral (Memphis TN)
St Matthew and St Timothy (NYC)
St Paul's (Cleveland Heights OH)
St Paul's (Indianapolis IN)
St Paul's Cathedral (Buffalo NY)
St Paul's, K Street (Washington DC)
St Peter's (Lakewood OH)
St Peter's ELCA (NYC)
St Stephen's (Richmond VA
St Thomas (New Haven CT)
St Thomas ELCA (Bloomington IN)
Second PCUSA (Indianapolis IN)
Towson Presbyterian Church (MD)
Tremont Temple Baptist (Boston MA)
Trinity (Indianapolis IN)
Trinity on the green (New Haven CT)
Yes, but they're not the kind you buy on Wheel of Fortune.
the owner of a bower at Bucklesfordberry?
Full daintily it is dight.
interested in touch lamps?
And fountain pens.