Season after Pentecost, 2023
I received this email last week, and with the approval of some Episcopal higher-ups and my ecclesiastical attorney I have decided to make it public:
ASSISTANCE REQUIRED FOR ACQUISITION OF VIRGINIA PARISHES
I write to inform you of my desire to acquire parish properties in Virginia on behalf of the Anglican Primate of the Church of Nigeria, Bishop of Abuja, and Archbishop of Province III.
Considering his very strategic and influential position, he would want the transaction to be as strictly confidential as possible. He further wants his identity to remain undisclosed at least for now, until the completion of the transaction. Hence our desire to have an overseas agent.
I have therefore been directed to inquire if you would agree to act as our overseas agent in order to actualize this transaction.
The deal, in brief, is that the funds with which we intend to carry out our proposed investments in your country is presently in a coded account at the Nigerian Apex Bank (i.e. the Central Bank of Nigeria) and we need your assistance to transfer the funds to your country in a convenient bank account that will be provided by you before we can put the funds into use in your country. For this, you shall be considered to have executed a contract for the Anglican Province of Nigeria for which payment should be effected to you by the Province, The contract sum of which shall run into US$25 Million, of which your share shall be 30% if you agree to be our overseas agent.
As soon as payment is effected, and the amount mentioned above is successfully transferred into your account, we intend to use our own share in acquiring more American parishes. For this too you shall also serve as our agent. In the light of this, I would like you to forward to me the following information:
- Your date and location of your baptism
- The ISBN of your Book of Common Prayer
- Proof of your heterosexuality
- (optional) any misgivings you have about "open communion"
Your quick response will be highly appreciated. Thank you in anticipation of your cooperation.
Samuel Ajayi Crowther
Tangent: Okay, I admit it. I'm a fan of Nora, the piano-playing cat.
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